First Date Questions - Polyamory Edition

There are so many measures of compatibility you're trying to suss out on a first date - and just because someone else is also non-monogamous, or also polyamorous, doesn't mean they're for you. Assuming that the regular date parameters of "are they cool?" "do you share interests?" "how much banter flows" are also good, there are some particular polyamorous/ non-monogamous concerns that you probably want to address - and have your own answers at the ready in case the hottie you're out with asks you about them too!

Disclaimer: dates and relationships can be for any kind of connection, so a bunch of these questions may not apply to you depending on what your wants are, or may only apply after you get more deeply entangled with someone and adjust the type of connection you want. Demisexual folks may only discuss sexuality in the context of "it comes on the table later;" folks who are open to emotions but looking for fwb primarily may acknowledge that and have to adjust later. Relationships are fluid and growing. If you want a more comprehensive list of concerns and questions, you can find one at this older post here. Today's list, you could probably get through over dinner, along with each other's current favorite tv shows, books you're reading, and where you grew up.

What’s your polyamory like?

• How long have you been non-monogamous? Have you always been polyamorous?

• Do you already have partners? What’s your relationship with them like? 

• Do you have a way you prefer to relate in network or a way everyone in your polycule interacts now you’d like me to fit into?

Relationship We Want

• Are there limits set by how busy you are or existing relationships on the shape of new relationships?What are they?

• How often do you like to communicate? Daily? weekly? by text? by Phone?

• Do you have a ‘Goal’ shape or size for this relationship? (EG, looking for an FWB or looking to see if someone might be a nesting partner some day, or looking for a casual dating partner)

Life Issues

• Do you have kids? How do they factor into your life & relationship choices?

• Are you out/Open about your polyamory? If not, what are the people or areas where our relationship can ‘exist’?

Safer Sex Concerns

• Do you test for STIs regularly?How often? What do you consider a complete battery of tests?

• What methods do you usually use for managing risks of pregnancy and STIs in your relationship(s)?

• Do you have concerns or questions for me, or topics you want to discuss?

All of these are just a jumping off point. Maybe you prefer to use polyamorous jargon or buzzwords to talk about your relationships (eg, I have a very kitchen table polycule, and I'd love to be with people who would fit into that and hang out with their metamours all the time...) or maybe you don't and just want to figure out a relationship with this person and what their experience and yours have been like and how it is shaped by the people in each of your lives already. Their answers (and yours!) might give you lots of places to go and stories to tell - I have some great adventures with extended polycule to tell about if prompted - and this is to build into rapport and flow of the date, not be an interview on polyamory. Just remember that as with any date, while you're sussing out compatibility, it shouldn't feel like a job interview, it should feel relational, and you'll be ok. Have fun!